…With babies it’s not really up to you.

It’s true, folks, this is the ugly side of parenting. You will get baby crap on you. Daily. Sometimes twice daily (like today).

Part I: The morning started out pretty good. I got up early, did the shave/shower/dress thing and was working on some work stuff in the living room. Wife/kids were sleeping and all was right with the world. I had an on-site customer meeting at 9 so I was planning to leave an hour later than usual. This turned out to be a mistake as I’m usually gone before the babies wake up…not today.

At around T-5 minutes, Sarah dropped off baby #2 so she could do the bathroom thing. Fully swaddled and quite content, we stared at each other for a couple minutes before I passed her back and readied to leave. Sarah noted that baby had leaked through her swaddle by showing me a nice, wet, mustardy stain. I muttered something you can’t say more than three times in a PG-13 movie when I discovered that this concoction of fluids resulting from frequent natural body functions was on my shirt, my undershirt, my pants, and my boxers. I had to change everything but my socks. How the hell?

Part II: Upon arriving home after a nice (albeit sadly unproductive day) at multiple offices, I made the mistake of noting baby #1’s odor and thereby committing myself to the changing of what was expected to be a very fowl diaper. If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is what baby ate today:

An entire can of black beans (undrained), a jar of Grey Poupon and a lot of Mexican food.

You know the drill—diaper off, wipe, wipe, wipe (holy crap this is taking a lot of wipes), wipe, new diaper on, getting dressed, and wth? Yep, that’s crap on the pad, the outside of the new diaper, and…my hand. Dammit!

Worry not IRL acquaintances, we practice so much hand washing it’s getting a little ridiculous. We are going through those huge bottles of soap-refill fast.